Dad Jokes

If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. My landlord…

In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. Not to brag but I made six figures…

Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? This year’s Fibonacci convention is going…

“Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!” My friend couldn’t afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a “Get Well…

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. Why didn’t the…

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. My wife left me…

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. How do you make a tissue dance? You put…

How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. What’s blue and not very heavy? Light…

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. What do…

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something. People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise.…

What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the…

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.…

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.…

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of…

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.…

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone…

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held…

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal…

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.

How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.” What do you call a Frenchman…

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.