Funny

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone…

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held…

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal…

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. I wasn’t close to my father…

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.”…

“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has…

How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped…

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! A kid decided…

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.” What do you call a Frenchman…

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. My…

I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun. What happened…

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! Did you know your pupils…

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”