Funny

What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. 30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my…

I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.…

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself…

What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot. My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking…

I just spent £300 on a limo and learned it doesn’t come with a driver. I can’t believe I have nothing to chauffer it. What’s green and has wheels? Grass.…

What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let’s get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms? The…

“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I…

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend. Why did the…

I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven…

What’s brown and sticky? A stick. My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. A century ago, two brothers decided it was…

If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. My landlord…

In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. Not to brag but I made six figures…

Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? This year’s Fibonacci convention is going…

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. Why didn’t the…

“Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!” My friend couldn’t afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a “Get Well…

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. My wife left me…

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. How do you make a tissue dance? You put…

How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. What’s blue and not very heavy? Light…

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. What do…

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something. People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise.…

What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the…

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.…

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of…

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.…

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.…